I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
