i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
