The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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