Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
