and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
