next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
