at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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