Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
