If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
