Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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