I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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