wrigley field is MILF paradise
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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