omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
