Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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