I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
