it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
