He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
