God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
