This is not my ceiling
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
