my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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