bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I need moral support for this bender
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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