he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
