he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
cat food counts as protein by the way
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
