Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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