Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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