Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
