The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
