Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
