I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
