Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
