okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
