This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
