Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
