I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
