I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
