what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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