Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just gift wrapped bread.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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