Someone shit on the floor
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
