Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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