I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
