Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
