One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
