Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
