I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
