I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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