went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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