everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
