you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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