Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
