the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
