can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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