and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
