Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
