i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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