I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
