I'm eating all of the evidence.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How does one acquire holy water?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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