Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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