Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
