Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
