Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
