how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
