At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
