Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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